Hikaru
by Plexi-Lexi
Summary: Hikaru's POV Some serious things are going on in the Host Club. Stuffed with drama! suicide, angst, violence, language, lemon in later chapters, twincest. Rated M for a reason!
1. Stifled Love

Disclaimer: I don't own any character of Ouran High School Host club, etc.

Author's Note: HEY GUYS! It's me again, submitting yet another dramatic fic of those wonderful characters of the Ouran High School Host Club anime series! (Huzzah!) So much feeling will be injected into this fic, it may be too strong for some to handle therefore you should:

LISTEN HERE; I'm warning you now that everyone's emotions and personalities are going to be set on overdrive, so just be prepared. There will be some SERIOUS issues (AND I MEAN SERIOUS) going on in the Host Club. This story has: twincest, lemoniness, violence, strong language, and other stuff I can't say because it will ruin the story!!! D:

ALSO! Pay attention to the words that are in these things: because those are OOC, or, out of his POV. Italics are either thoughts or repeated phrases. If you tell me it's confusing, you do not get a cookie :P

Enjoy, and please R&R

**Chapter 1 – Stifled Love**

Sloth

I woke up lazy-eyed that morning. My eyes tried to shut themselves as the sunlight beamed through my bedroom window. It was yet another tiring Monday morning. I slumped one arm off of the edge of my bed in a weak attempt to get myself to stand up. I then laid there for a moment and sighed. Too tired to turn around, I reached back and felt around the clean satin sheets. My bed was empty.

My growing curiosity pulled me out of bed and led me into the kitchen.

"Rise and shine," Kaoru greeted me as I walked into the room. He was sipping tea, as he normally did on school mornings. Sometimes it was Green Tea, sometimes passion fruit, other times English Tea mother had gotten abroad.

"Why are you up so early?" I asked, scratching my lower back. I walked towards the table he was sitting at and sat down next to him.

"I couldn't sleep," he answered plainly. Sensing that I wanted him to elaborate, he continued. "You talked in your sleep again last night." I felt my face turn red of embarrassment.

"W-what did I say?" My dreams hadn't been the purest, lately. I couldn't seem to get _that thing_ off my mind. Somehow my thoughts had over analyzed it and brought me to the position of having 'bad' dreams about it every night. Kaoru wouldn't understand. I would need to come up with an excuse.

"First you grumbled a bit, and then you wrapped one arm around me and rubbed your face against my back. At first I thought you were flirting but then you said some gibberish and then kicked me out of the bed- literally. When I looked at your face, I saw a tear roll down your cheek."

There was an awkward silence for a moment. Kaoru was dangerously serious and it almost frightened me. I wondered if he was telling me the entire thing, but then he took a long sip and continued.

"I was looking for you yesterday afternoon."

Shit

"I'm sorry. I wasn't feeling well so I went for a walk." I lied. I was lying. I was lying to my best friend; my companion; my brother. I wanted to cry and tell him the truth but… I just couldn't. Bedsides, it would only make matters worse.

He looked up at me, away from his tea, and squinted his eyes. He knew I was lying. Something in his eyes told me he was thinking, 'you can tell me anything', or 'why can't you tell me?'

"Is this about Tam"- I stood up abruptly and slapped the table to stop him.

"I need to get dressed. Don't worry about it, I'm feeling better now." I said, walking away.

I'm sorry, Kaoru.

We pulled up to the school at 7:20, just in time for me to grab breakfast. Neither Kaoru nor I talked as we walked together into the building. In fact, we hadn't talked at all after our conversation earlier.

After I ate, I walked up to the music room and opened the doors. I saw everyone there sitting at a table discussing the next theme to do for tomorrow's Cosplay. I sat between Mori-senpai and Haruhi nonchalantly, ignoring the fact that Kaoru had saved me a seat. I pretended not to notice, but I felt his pain as I sat across the table. He stared at me as I sat down and then slouched in his chair. I tried not to look at him; instead, I turned to Haruhi as she turned to me and smiled, opening her mouth saying, "Good morning, Hikaru."

I merely smiled back.

The entire discussion was awkward for me. I sat there with my chin resting on my palm while my brother stared at me, filled with revulsion.

I then began to think; who was I turning into? Who had I suddenly become? A small hand to my shoulder brought me back into the room.

"What do you think, Hikaru?" She asked sweetly; then again, she was always like this. Our lord then cut in.

"Pirate day will definitely be a big hit, right?" His face was beaming with juvenile delight. I then rolled my eyes and shrugged my shoulders.

"Whatever." I didn't want to have this stupid discussion. But I couldn't help but think someone would ask me what my problem was, so I covered up my indifference.

"I like… er… the idea of being an animal." I had no idea was I was saying.

"Ha! See? My idea **was** a good idea!" Hani-senpai chirped. His pure unremitting bliss puzzled me. Tamaki then spoke up once more.

"[Sigh Alright, alright; we'll dress like animals tomorrow, but next we're pirates!" Haruhi turned to me once more.

"Did I see you yesterday walking down my street?" She asked kindly. I grew nervous for a moment and then shook it off. She couldn't possibly think I was there.

"Yesterday? I was at home… must not have been me."

And with that, we were sent off to our classes.

For the entire class, I found myself staring at her. I watched her write her notes – smoothly with every delicate letter – and I watched her run her fingers through her hair as she tried to answer the questions in her math booklet. God, how I wished I could run my fingers through her hair. We were dismissed from our class for lunch and I caught up with her to walk her to the cafeteria. This had become normal nowadays, though usually Kaoru would walk with us as well. He walked with another girl that day (one of our customers). I peered over at them as they made polite conversation, but I could see the despondency on his face.

Kaoru and I refused to speak to each other on the way home. We didn't talk during dinner. We just didn't talk. Kaoru got into the bed before I did. I walked into our bedroom after brushing my teeth and opened the covers to get in. With his back facing me, he pulled his side of covers towards him as I did this, and I noticed his back was bare. I just so happened to be topless as well. I laid down, facing towards the window, and pulled the covers up to my neck. It was if we were reflections of each other in a mirror. I then let out a sigh and lowered my covers.

"Hey," I mumbled.

"Hey…" He mumbled back. I then felt the bed move as he turned to face me. "What's going on?" Kaoru asked sincerely. His voice nearly trembled.

"I'm sorry." I answered plainly. I knew he wanted more, but I refused to say anything else. I turned to see his expression and we just stared at each other for a while. He then sat up, got up on all fours and hovered over me. I knew what he wanted.

"Why don't we have fun anymore?" He then lowered his head down and kissed me on my lips, trying to get me to react positively. He stroked my stomach teasingly, as he knew I liked, and then withdrew his lips from mine. I then turned to the side in disinterest. He sat up and then laid back down, back facing towards me, irritated with my attitude.

"I'm sorry…" I whispered.

OH BROTHAH! (Literally) Yes, it is a short beginning chapter but at least it's a start! Deceit, love, mystery… who knows what will pop up next? Tune in next time to find out; same time, same place!


	2. The Meaning

**Chapter 2 – The Meaning**

I watched her walk into the music room, quietly and peacefully. We were all sitting on the couches, awaiting her arrival. Tamaki then stood up (to be polite) and welcomed her. "We've been waiting for you," he spoke out.

"You didn't have to be so formal with me," She said back, taking one of her hands to her forehead to move her chocolate-colored hair from her eyes. She then walked towards us and sat down next to me and smiled. I smiled back. There seemed to be a pattern as to what we would do every time we saw each other.

I twiddled my thumbs in anticipation for the bell to ring for lunch. I then quickly got up, grabbed my books, and attempted reach her before she disappeared in the crowd. As I reached the doorway, I stopped abruptly once I saw the lord waiting for her to walk her to lunch. Why had I forgotten so soon? I tried to keep my and Haruhi's relationship at an emotional distance ever since Tamaki had asked her out. To tell you the truth, I was quite surprised when she agreed to be his girlfriend. They spent a lot of time together at the mall or at his/her house; just… together.

I can't stand it.

It gets me infuriated every time I see them together. I hate it when she smiles up at him and he smiles back. I hate how when they walk down the halls, they're holding hands when really they aren't touching. I hate it when he touches her. I hate it.

Haruhi… Haruhi… Haruhi…

How can I even begin to describe her? She's beautiful; her many layers expose her generosity, innocence, and determination. Her hair is just the right length, her body is just the right shape, and her figure is just the right size. I would often sit in bed, next to Kaoru, and wonder if what I was feeling was in fact love.

The meaning of love is something I still need to find within myself. Is it there when she looks at me and my body gets hot? Is it there when she touches me and I find myself aching for more?

The day before yesterday was the day he asked her out. Kaoru had sensed I liked her long ago, but he didn't ask me about it. I was sure, though, that he knew now. I was walking back from my classroom when I saw them alone in the courtyard. It was the end of the day… I had nothing better to do… so I watched. I saw their lips moving, but I didn't hear a word. They smiled at each other, and then after a small moment, they hugged. I felt numb. I hadn't established the love I had for her then that I did immediately after. It was like a maze of 'but's and 'if's that stopped me from telling myself my true feelings for her. I was too afraid to find the exit. Outside of the walls of the maze, I'd be vulnerable and exposed. I didn't know what to do. There was nothing left for me to do but walk away. And that's what I did.

The next time I saw her was when she was walking home. I had already decided to take the long way home so I began to follow her at a pretty long distance. Before I knew it, it would have seemed as though I was stalking her. It felt like if I let her out of my sight, I'd be letting her out of my life. I couldn't let that happen- not for anything in the world. Within a few moments she had entered her house and I was there looking into the window. If only I could have been in there with her.

Minutes of watching soon turned into an hour. I had cleared my mind of everything but Haruhi. I had forgotten that I was supposed to meet Kaoru after school so we could walk home together. She was too precious. I then sat down under her bedroom window and began my homework. She was busy with her own so I wasn't worried about losing her. Two more hours had passed. It was 5:30 and I was starting to get tired, not to mention hungry. I had to get up. It had been long enough.

I stood up and began to walk towards a small food stand on the corner and bought myself something small and hot to eat. I looked back into Haruhi's house and a light was on in her bedroom. Sure, it was fall and the days were getting shorter, but why hadn't she shut her curtains? Did she forget? I then proceeded to walk back over to her house and peer into the window. I was shocked at the next thing I saw.

She was getting dressed. Haruhi was getting undressed right before my eyes. Her blinds had not been shut and her light was turned on. It was like she was begging me to watch her. I couldn't help myself but stare in awe at her perfect, ivory-colored flesh as she exposed it- goose bumps covering her soft back. She then slowly removed her school pants and revealed her cute white underwear. It was like a dream. She then bent over her bed and picked up a pink nightgown. Haruhi was adorable but sophisticated- I loved it. She then pulled it over her head and turned towards the window. I panicked and ran swiftly to the street and began to walk casually away. I snuck a peek into her window once more to see if she was looking and I managed to see a smile as she waved to me. She couldn't think it was me, so I ignored it.

Who was I? Since when had I found pleasure in doing something so… so… stalker-like?

I don't know anymore… I don't know...

* * *

jeeperz creeperz! alright. I not only have a notice for this fic but also the other one ('mixed feelings'). Um... oh; ok, so I haven't been able to update that one in a VERY LONG TIME simply because my laptop isn't working therefore I can't get the story off of it... yes... it sucks. TWO! I really need to know how this one is going. if I get no reviews, its DONE! (don don da!!!) 


	3. Want

WOW!! JEEPERS CREEPERS! i've never felt more threatened in my life! so... i'm going to write more. i totally took a fanfic hiatus for a few months but hopefully i'll be getting back into it. and im sorry that this is such a short chapter for such a long time away but school was like: jiodfnsdifnskdmf!! well here we go! the next chapter of this wacked out fic

**Chapter 3 - Want**

Days had passed since then. I kept to myself most of the time at home; around Kaoru. We talked every now and then, but to the only to the extent of: 'can you pass me the salt?' or 'move over'. And the only factor that made this wrong was that I didn't mind it so much. I could sense Kaoru's torment. I knew he longed to be with me again, and he wanted it to be like before, but that couldn't happen. I'm different now.

I finally found what I wanted from life: Haruhi.

Thankfully for the other, more high-spirited members of the host club, meetings weren't awkward. I tried to keep my lust for her masked, and cover me and Kaoru's problems. 'Things' were alright.

But as time went on, I began to realize that just seeing Haruhi wasn't enough. I wanted to feel like a part of her life; more than just a fellow host member. I wanted to touch her, hold her, love her... like Tamaki did. I was waiting for the day the moment would arrive when we found out they had actually had sex. Knowing Haruhi, it would take more than a week to get into her pants- but then again, she actually accepted to go out with the lord. Lord...

Fortunately he didn't suspect anything, or atleast he didn't parade his suspicion around like he normally would have. I couldn't tell him about this, of course. I couldn't tell anyone. This wasn't for anyone to know but me and Haruhi. And I had to tell her some how... some way I could just open my heart, let her see how I really feel, and leave the rest to her.

I found myself sitting in space, and finally woke up. Tamaki and Haruhi were indulging in their typical, polite conversations, Mori-senpai was observing Honey-senpai enshroud himself with stuffed animals before his daily nap, and Kyouya was doing only the devil-knows-what with his notebook. I looked for Kaoru and he wasn't there. I then saw Tamaki turn towards me.

"Oh, Hikaru. Are you looking for Kaoru? He went downstairs to get you something to drink."

I answered silently and he turned back towards Haruhi and they continued. I observed them in my peripheral vision and noticed him lean in towards her, then smoothly take his hand and delicately move her soft hair out of her beaming face. It was disgusting. I felt myself getting hot. I took my jacket off but the room began to spin slowly. I looked down at my feet, and I grasped the arm of the couch to keep myself steady even while sitting. My breathing got heavier. I then heard Kaoru come through the door and then ask what was wrong with me. I stayed as still as I possibly could.

"Hikaru!" Their voices faded. My eyes rolled back, and then there was a hushed darkness, and all was quiet.

-

My eyelids opened slowly to a blurred vision of the nurse's office. I slowly rose, then bent over forward as I rubbed my forhead and ran my fingers through my hair.

"Hikaru?" It was Haruhi.

My head jolted to the side in surprise. She was here with me. And we were alone. I tried my hardest not to blush and she smiled.

"I'm glad you're finally up. Are you feeling alright?"

Still a little out of it, I nodded my head- my mouth partially open.

"The others are still in the music room. The cosplay got them caught up for a bit, but I was able to sneak away to see how you were doing. We were really worried about you." She leaned in and placed the back of her hand on my forehead. "It seems your temperature has gone down."

"Haruhi-" I reached out and held her close to me. This was the moment I had been waiting for! This moment, so perfect that I could feel our heartbeats unify. She was so close. I felt every part of her on me. Her chest on mine; her breasts thrusting slowly but surely against me with every breath, her stomach: placed awkwardly against the side of mine, and her knees just so happened to perfectly land around my waste. This was ecstasy.

Then I woke up. The room was clear, and it was mine. One light next to the bed was on and Kaoru anxiously waited on the edge of his seat for me to come to.

"Hikaru! Are you alright?"

I cringed and took both of my hands and covered my face and

I cried.

Here and now I realized Haruhi would not only continue to stay in my dreams, but remain there forever unless I made a move. I was a hopeless romantic. To be honest, I didn't have all of the womanizing skills the lord _did_ have... atleast not around people I actually had feelings for.

"Please..." I then heard a weary whisper. I wiped one eye and looked at Kaoru. His hands were clenched on his knees and his eyes were at the floor.

"Please don't leave me..."

* * *

well i'm done for now. i don't really know how this is gonna end! -phew!- this took FO' EVAH!!

but now you guys can stop shaking and threatening me and pleasure yourselves to this. don't worry, THERE WILL BE ANGST. and if there won't be, then i'll just get rid of it. everyone just needs to CALM DOWN. thank you ;D


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